I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
