I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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