Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
