Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize