You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
