I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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