i'm signing you up for texting rehab
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize