thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
