So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
