The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
