It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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