Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
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