When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
