ya dads aren't the best wingmen
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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