I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
