Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
