well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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