Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
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