Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
