I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Randomize
