I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
