i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
