well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize