thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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