I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
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