Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
