Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
