Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
