I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
