I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize