I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
