So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
