the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
