last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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