She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
