he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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