We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
