Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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