Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
