I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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