Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
