it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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