The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
