im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
areolas are like halos for boobs.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Randomize
