he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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