i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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