i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
This is classic penis vs brain.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
