im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
