just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
