Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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