you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
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