you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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