I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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