I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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