Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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