don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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