Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
