all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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