i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
